11.30.2010

the hardest part

Sometimes... my life is far too confusing for anyone to figure out, especially me.
Sometimes... i want to forget every thought in my mind, and fill my mind with other useless things.
Sometimes... i get my friends to distract me from things because i don't want to think about them.


but... sometimes i need to deal with these things. 
i need to let Jesus speak into my life. 
i need to turn off every distraction. 
not think. 
not talk. 
just listen.

then maybe my life won't be so confusing after all.




and actually doing this... 
that's the hardest part.



11.29.2010

When you find me...

Something you said, it sits in my head 
It's been there too long, it's killing me slow 
It's rolling around, it's pushing me down 
It's keeping the good part of me closed 

My only weakness is knowing your secrets 
I'm holding them close, I'm holding them tight 
I know the way to silently make you 
Smile with my eyes when you're trying to fight 

Can't you see that when I find you, I'll find me 
I need you to know Today, I wait for you always 


It's when I find you that I'll find me.

11.24.2010

Dear my problems:

My God is bigger than you!


i hope it doesn't take me a lifetime to actually realize this.
my problems seem to be the epitome of me right now.
i can't see anything else but them.



God... i need to see you. i need to give my problems to you. you are bigger. i believe that.




11.23.2010

In The Sun

I pictured you in the sun wondering what went wrong
And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen
And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May God's love be with you
Always....
May God's love be with you

I know i would apologize if i could see your eyes
'Cause when you showed me myself, you know, i became someone else
But i was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I pictured you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can't keep awake

May God's love be with you
Always...
May God's love be with you

If i find my own way
How much will i find
You...
I'll find you

I don't know anymore
What it's for
I'm not even sure
If there is anyone who is in the sun
Will you help me to understand
'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for
Any more than me

May God's love be with you
Always...
May God's love be with you







Honestly, i'm not sure what this song means to me.
but i know it means a lot.
these lyrics are something powerful that i can't understand.

11.08.2010

to want you...

in the words of Cheap Trick, with an entirely different meaning...

I want to want you...
I need to need you...
I'd love to love you...

but i don't know how.

you saw me crying.
you saw me feeling all alone without a friend, feeling like dying.

be my friend?
help me?
please.

i can't do it on my own.

i want to want you...
so much.

11.01.2010

alive


why is it so hard?

10.19.2010

You Move Me...

what you are about to read brought tears to my eyes.
to think that this is the way that God views me, is unbelievable.
i wish i could love him like he loves me.
i wish i could give him everything. 
i wish that i meant everything i said.
i pray that God will help me turn it around, to make my wishes become real.

Do you know how you’ve caught my eye, 
In the secret place, where you chose to die?

Do you know the way you move me?
Do you know the way you move me?

I've seen you there, longing to be mine.
I've heard the cry in the middle of the night.
I've seen you there reaching for understanding.
I've seen you there, longing to be mine.

I've heard you say “I will go anywhere and I will do anything.”
And “I will give everything just to be with you.”
I’ve heard your words.
I remember the vow of your youth.
I remember your “yes”.
I remember the very setting of your soul.

And do you know how you’ve caught my eye,
In the secret place where you chose to die?

Do you know the way you move me?
Do you know the way you move me?

You’ve ravished my heart!
You’re my favourite one, the only one.
When I look at you you’re the only one I see.
You’ve ravished me!
I would stop this entire room just to tell you that my eyes are on you, and that my heart is for you. 
And I would stop this whole wide world just to tell you you’re not alone, that you are never alone.

All this reaching and all this longing – It is not in vain!
Wisdom will be justified. 
Just hang on and don’t give up.
Don’t give in. 
If you don’t quit, you win!
Listen to me...

Do you know how you’ve caught my eye,  
In the secret place where you chose to die?
You are more beautiful than tears, more wonderful than jealous love.
You are awesome as an army with banners.
You only see your weakness, but I see strength. 
There are so many - a multitude - that will never look back, but you keep on looking even though you’re looking through a mirror dimly lit. 
You keep on looking even though there’s unbelief and doubt.

But listen, listen…
You keep on coming, and looking, and seeking, and knocking, and asking, and loving me!
That’s all I ask..
You don’t even know the strength that you possess. 
So many would have grown bitter a long time ago, but you keep on coming, staying pliable underneath my hand.
I understand there’s pressure, but you don’t give up and you don’t give in...
If you don’t quit you win!

Just don’t give up, don’t give in!
You are more than a conqueror.
You’re more than this. 
You are the one I want!
Is that enough for you? To know you are the one I want? 

If you never move a man, is it enough to know that you’ve moved me?
Am I enough for you?
Because you are more than enough for me.

You’re the one I want, am I enough for you? 
Is it enough for you just to know that you’ve moved me? 
And if you never move man is it enough for you to know that you’ve moved my heart?

You are not just a project.
You are not just a trophy to show people how merciful I am.
You’re the one I want!
You are the one I want, like a fire within me!
Is it enough just knowing that you move me? 
Forever and ever I want you to be with me, where I am.

And do you know, how you’ve caught my eye,  
In the secret place where you chose to die?

You are not just my project.
You are the one I want! 
There’s more than just pity.
You’re the one I want.
You’re the one I want! 

Of all of creation you are my favourite.
You are the only one.
So few look back, and even the ones who do so often lose their way.
But you, my dove, have set your heart to go all the way. 
I’ll take you there.
All the way. 

Did you really mean it when you said that you would go anywhere?
And did you really mean it when you said that you’d be mine forever? 
And did you really mean it when you vowed that you’d do anything?  
Just give me everything and I’ll give you everything.
I’ll give you everything.
I’ll give you everything.
I’ll give you everything.


I left them there to die.

why is it that i always relate to her songs?
we're both young, scared, boy crazy females i guess.

Back To December - Taylor Swift

I'm so glad you made time to see me.
How's life, tell me how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while.
You've been good, busier then ever.
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why.

Cause the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses and I left them there to die.

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night,
And I go back to December all the time.
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I go back to December all the time.

These days I haven't been sleeping
Staying up playing back myself leaving,
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
Realized that I loved you in the fall.
Then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind.
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye.

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night.
And I go back to December all the time.
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December turn around and change my own mind.
I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right,
And how you held me in your arms that September night,
The first time you ever saw me cry.
Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming
If we loved again I swear I'd love you right.

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand.

But this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night,
And I go back to December.
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December turn around and make it alright.
I'd go back to December turn around and change my own mind.
I go back to December all the time.

All the time


obviously my story is different, but i still feel her pain, and regret.
life is often so confusing. but i wont get into that now.

10.17.2010

thoughts.

i was thinking today, about how i wish i could just speak my mind to people.
i wish i could say what i was thinking to them, even if i dont know them, am terrified of talking to them, or just scared to tell them how i feel.
so here are some things that i want to say, but never will.

you have an amazing smile. and i absolutely love locking eyes with you.
i'm sorry, but i am going to hurt you. it's what i'm good at. i really am sorry.
i love you, a lot. i hope we will be friends forever.
you are one of my best friends, and i'm so happy about it. i freaking love you. you make me smile sooo often.
i know you don't know who i am... i wish you did.
you make me laugh so hard! and i'm pretty sure you have no idea why i laugh.
i don't think you realize how much we've changed. we're different people now. get over it.


that's all for now. my thoughts have been expressed :)

10.14.2010

exam time...

things i am currently feeling:
1. stressed
2. overwhelmed
3. nervous
4. tired
5. scared






















i think i did it to myself though.
i procrastinate like none other.
i keep praying that God will give me the answers on the test.
is that fair?
i hope so, because i'm REALLY going to need those answers.