I know its been about a year since I've written anything on here... but I thought I'd start again. I love writing... so here you go. Here's your chance to read Courtney's thoughts.

Since being home from camp, I have felt incredibly lonely. Coming from this place of always having people around me, and always having someone to talk to, to back home, where I live alone with my parents. I dont have a job yet, so my days are spent at home alone. I've been trying to clean up my incredible mess from camp, and look for jobs, but I'm always alone in what I'm doing. It's such a huge change from being around people, and I just feel so sad...

What I realized this morning is that I'm not looking to God for my joy. At camp,  it's so easy to look to God when I'm feeling sad, because He's always the topic of conversation. I havent been taking my time in the mornings at home to praise God, and learn about Him, which is something I did every morning at camp. 

Tomorrow morning it starts. 

I need Jesus in my life. 

Without Him, I will always feel lonely...

I hope all of you feel the same way I do, and learn to crave your time with Jesus every day. 

It's so hard to crave time with Jesus with so many distractions. TV, my iphone, friends... life gets in the way. but the one thing I need to remember is all that Jesus did for me. He came as a human being, died a criminals death, and rose 3 days later, all to forgive MY sins. When I remember back to all those things, I can't help but want to spend time with Him. 

He deserves everything I have.

I just hope I can give it all to Him.

life has got to be the strangest thing.
people live, they love, and they die. that's all it is.
there is sorrow and pain, and there is joy and laughter.

sometimes its hard to find the balance between joy and sorrow.
i find myself laughing, and then realize that i should be sad,
or find myself crying, and realize that i have so much to smile about.

life is just strange.

Creator of the world.

I was in my Christian Spirituality class today, and my prof told us to look at some different metaphors of how God is viewed by us.

"Insofar as God is known, God is seen as creator of the world (Gen. 1-2), liberator of Israel (Ex. 1-15), judge of all people (Ps. 96), savior of the faithful (Ps. 27), and Holy One (Isa. 6)." (Holt, Thirsty For God)

He told me to pick one, circle it, star it, highlight it, make it known, that somehow it related to my life. First i picked "judge of all people", but then read them over again, and decided that "creator of the world" was a better choice for me. I didn't really know why, but I felt like it meant something more to me. He then told us to take the metaphor, and apply it to a specific time in my life where I saw God in this way, as the creator of the world. That wasn't hard for me at all.

I wrote down on my paper:

Creator of the world - He LOVES me so much!
                                - Camp Kawkawa
                                - He made the mountains, and He made me.

This is the image that came to my mind. I saw the beautiful mountains that God created, and it reminded me of a time when I realized how much God really loves me. 

It might sounds stupid, but this was an epiphany for me. 

God made these mountains, and He made me. 

When God made these mountains, He said they were Good. 

But then He made me, and He said I was Very Good.

That's it. God loves me far more than he loves those mountains. and He LOVES those mountains. I mean, who wouldn't? They're beautiful.

My Bucket List...

1. Go skydiving 
2. Go backpacking through Europe
3. Work abroad
4. Step foot on 6 of the 7 continents (Antarctica looks too cold)
5. Take dance lessons with my husband
6. Learn how to snowboard
7. Ski in the alps
8. Swim in all of the great lakes
9. Go bungee jumping
10. Learn how to play the guitar
11. Busk on the street
12. Scuba dive somewhere tropical
13. Ride in a hot air balloon
14. Go paragliding
15. Get a tattoo
16. Become fluent in a language
17. Go hiking in the rainforest
18. Swim with dolphins
19. Visit the san diego zoo
20. Go on a safari
21. Become a vegetarian for an extended period of time
22. Adopt a pet from the animal shelter
23. Ride an elephant
24. Paint a picture that I am proud of
25. Collect mugs from places I've traveled 
26. Learn to stand up for myself
27. Learn how to manage my time properly
28. Graduate from college
29. Be a mentor
30. Donate old clothes to girls who need them
31. Discover my passion
32. Go on a shopping spree in Europe
33. Visit the 7 wonders of the world
34. Sleep in a castle
35. Fire a pistol
36. Live in a foreign country
37. Sell my original artwork
38. Work in a cute coffee shop
39. Marry the man of my dreams
40. Raise a family
41. Own my dream house
42. Spend one full day in silence
43. Read the entire bible
44. Ice skate at Rockefeller center at Christmas
45. Quit a job I hate
46. Jump into a pool fully clothed
47. Go to a nude beach
48. Go to the airport, and get on the first flight out.
49. Take a picture everyday for a year
50. Be The Change.
    
    had to add one more...
51. Get married at the Casa Santo Domingo in Antigua, Guatemala. 

the hardest part

Sometimes... my life is far too confusing for anyone to figure out, especially me.

Sometimes... i want to forget every thought in my mind, and fill my mind with other useless things.

Sometimes... i get my friends to distract me from things because i don't want to think about them.

but... sometimes i need to deal with these things. 

i need to let Jesus speak into my life. 

i need to turn off every distraction. 

not think. 

not talk. 

just listen.

then maybe my life won't be so confusing after all.

and actually doing this... 

that's the hardest part.

When you find me...

Something you said, it sits in my head 

It's been there too long, it's killing me slow 
It's rolling around, it's pushing me down 
It's keeping the good part of me closed 

My only weakness is knowing your secrets 
I'm holding them close, I'm holding them tight 
I know the way to silently make you 
Smile with my eyes when you're trying to fight 

Can't you see that when I find you, I'll find me 
I need you to know Today, I wait for you always 

It's when I find you that I'll find me.

Dear my problems:

My God is bigger than you!

i hope it doesn't take me a lifetime to actually realize this.

my problems seem to be the epitome of me right now.

i can't see anything else but them.

God... i need to see you. i need to give my problems to you. you are bigger. i believe that.

In The Sun

I pictured you in the sun wondering what went wrong

And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy

And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen

And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May God's love be with you

Always....

May God's love be with you

I know i would apologize if i could see your eyes

'Cause when you showed me myself, you know, i became someone else

But i was caught in between all you wish for and all you need

I pictured you fast asleep

A nightmare comes

You can't keep awake

May God's love be with you

Always...

May God's love be with you

If i find my own way

How much will i find

You...

I'll find you

I don't know anymore

What it's for

I'm not even sure

If there is anyone who is in the sun

Will you help me to understand

'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need

Maybe you're not even sure what it's for

Any more than me

May God's love be with you

Always...

May God's love be with you

Honestly, i'm not sure what this song means to me.

but i know it means a lot.

these lyrics are something powerful that i can't understand.

to want you...

in the words of Cheap Trick, with an entirely different meaning...

I want to want you...
I need to need you...
I'd love to love you...

but i don't know how.

you saw me crying.
you saw me feeling all alone without a friend, feeling like dying.

be my friend?
help me?
please.

i can't do it on my own.

i want to want you...
so much.

alive

why is it so hard?