Well, I got home from beautiful Guatemala 2 weeks ago, and I miss it incredibly. The last week of being there, we stayed at a convent in Antigua. We debriefed everyday, sharing stories about our year. Here's how this year affected me:
When I first got to Outtatown, I hated it. I was with a group of people I didn't know, which was so out of my comfort zone, and I was just really homesick. I tried to talk to some of the girls to get to know them, and sometimes I could get my mind off going home, but it was really hard when I knew I still had 8 months to go.
When we got to Pioneer Camp, I remember sitting on the dock with Alanna and Laura. We were talking about being on Outtatown, and how its really hard to be here when there's things or people at home that we want to go back to. I remember Alanna saying that it really is a privilege to be here, because so many people could never have a chance to do something like this. I realized that I needed to change my attitude after that, and really try to enjoy being on Outtatown, because I would definitely regret not stepping out of my comfort zone.
So while I was on the canoe trip, I had this feeling from God that I just needed to trust Him. To stop worrying about every little freaking thing, and trust Him. I had no idea why I was on Outtatown, but God would work that out for me, and I was there for a reason. So I really tried to trust God with that, and have a good attitude through the year, because I knew that God was gonna work through me in ways that I couldn't imagine.
So while I was on the Vancouver Urban Plunge, I was sitting on the street panhandling, and a man put 3 quarters in my cup, plus a note, and walked past me. I opened the note and it read "could you use $20 or maybe $30? Follow me." So, I guess I'm really naive, because I didn't know why he would pay me $20 or $30. I didn't follow him though.. thankfully. So once I got back with my group, i showed some people the note, and they were kind of scared for me because i was sitting on my own, and something awful could have happened. I really don't know how that experience affected me yet. I felt like an object that someone wanted to use. I hated thinking about the girls who start out on the street with nothing just go to prostitution, because it's easy. I think about how I would love to help them to get off the street, and live normal lives, and know that they are worth way more than they think, but at this point in my life, I don't have the motivation or confidence in myself to do something like that. maybe one day I'll think back to this experience and want to do something about it.
We went back to a camp that we had been to for a couple weeks, Camp Kawkawa, and had a worship night. Throughout the whole night, I was searching for God, trying to feel the power of Him, but I couldn't. When the official worship night was over, i went to get communion, and just started praying to God, not knowing why I was feeling so far from Him. Suddenly I started crying and I didn't even know why. I felt this massive amount of love from God, like He was right there with me, hugging me. I had never felt God like that before. We had just had girls week a couple of weeks before, and one of the main points Sharon talked about was in Genesis, how God made the earth, stars, sun and moon, the plants and animals and they were all good. Then He created human beings, in His own image. he looked over at what He had made and saw that it was VERY good. God made me very good. That thought to me was so powerful, and I knew that God made me exactly how He wanted me, and He loves me incredibly. I talked to Laura, my mentor, that night, and she gave me this analogy of God, standing right in front of me, arms wide open, just waiting for me to run into them. So that was a really good eye opening moment for me to really know how much i mean to God.
I really loved first semester. It made me think a lot about my relationship with God, and what I really wanted it to look like. It also made me realize that I have to look for God, and I can't just expect Him to show up. I had to trust Him with a lot of things, and I realized that I will not understand why things are happening, and God isn't saying anything about it, until much much later, when something happens and I understand why God did that to me. I guess I didn't really realize that in the first semester, because I was at the point where I didn't understand what God was doing, and much much later (maybe a couple weeks ago) i figured out some things that didn't make sense.
So when I was at home for Christmas, I was really excited to see how my life had changed, and how motivated I would be to follow Jesus, and do what He wants for me, but when I got home, I quickly realized that it wasn't easy, and I fell back into my old routine that I had before Outtatown. I was trying to follow God, but I knew that I really didn't want to. It was hard for me to want that, when I knew that it really wasn't something I wanted. I was hoping that when Outtatown started up again, my motivation to seek God out would come back, and I would be okay again. So I desperately waited for the day to come, where we would drive away from life here, and move into something completely different.
Once we got to Guatemala, my focus was definitely not on God. I knew I needed Him, but I kept getting distracted by being a tourist in Antigua. I didn't change the way I lived from when I was at home at Christmas. I was in this drought that I had never experienced before and i didn't know how to change it. I didn't even want to try and change it anymore, so i stopped trying. It was really hard for me to want to follow Him, and to fight for it. I went through all of my time in Guatemala hopelessly searching for God, not finding Him, and giving up. We didn't have any scheduled time set out for God, so I never really cared enough to make time for Him.
I had an amazing time in Guatemala, and I don't regret anything I did there, or didn't do. I learned a lot in the last week of being there about who I am, and who I am in God. He loves me, and I am very good. It's still a struggle for me to remember that everyday, but I'm working on it, and working on making my relationship with God something incredible.
