My Bucket List...

1. Go skydiving 
2. Go backpacking through Europe
3. Work abroad
4. Step foot on 6 of the 7 continents (Antarctica looks too cold)
5. Take dance lessons with my husband
6. Learn how to snowboard
7. Ski in the alps
8. Swim in all of the great lakes
9. Go bungee jumping
10. Learn how to play the guitar
11. Busk on the street
12. Scuba dive somewhere tropical
13. Ride in a hot air balloon
14. Go paragliding
15. Get a tattoo
16. Become fluent in a language
17. Go hiking in the rainforest
18. Swim with dolphins
19. Visit the san diego zoo
20. Go on a safari
21. Become a vegetarian for an extended period of time
22. Adopt a pet from the animal shelter
23. Ride an elephant
24. Paint a picture that I am proud of
25. Collect mugs from places I've traveled 
26. Learn to stand up for myself
27. Learn how to manage my time properly
28. Graduate from college
29. Be a mentor
30. Donate old clothes to girls who need them
31. Discover my passion
32. Go on a shopping spree in Europe
33. Visit the 7 wonders of the world
34. Sleep in a castle
35. Fire a pistol
36. Live in a foreign country
37. Sell my original artwork
38. Work in a cute coffee shop
39. Marry the man of my dreams
40. Raise a family
41. Own my dream house
42. Spend one full day in silence
43. Read the entire bible
44. Ice skate at Rockefeller center at Christmas
45. Quit a job I hate
46. Jump into a pool fully clothed
47. Go to a nude beach
48. Go to the airport, and get on the first flight out.
49. Take a picture everyday for a year
50. Be The Change.
    
    had to add one more...
51. Get married at the Casa Santo Domingo in Antigua, Guatemala. 

the hardest part

Sometimes... my life is far too confusing for anyone to figure out, especially me.

Sometimes... i want to forget every thought in my mind, and fill my mind with other useless things.

Sometimes... i get my friends to distract me from things because i don't want to think about them.

but... sometimes i need to deal with these things. 

i need to let Jesus speak into my life. 

i need to turn off every distraction. 

not think. 

not talk. 

just listen.

then maybe my life won't be so confusing after all.

and actually doing this... 

that's the hardest part.

When you find me...

Something you said, it sits in my head 

It's been there too long, it's killing me slow 
It's rolling around, it's pushing me down 
It's keeping the good part of me closed 

My only weakness is knowing your secrets 
I'm holding them close, I'm holding them tight 
I know the way to silently make you 
Smile with my eyes when you're trying to fight 

Can't you see that when I find you, I'll find me 
I need you to know Today, I wait for you always 

It's when I find you that I'll find me.

Dear my problems:

My God is bigger than you!

i hope it doesn't take me a lifetime to actually realize this.

my problems seem to be the epitome of me right now.

i can't see anything else but them.

God... i need to see you. i need to give my problems to you. you are bigger. i believe that.

In The Sun

I pictured you in the sun wondering what went wrong

And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy

And being caught in between all you wish for and all you seen

And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in

May God's love be with you

Always....

May God's love be with you

I know i would apologize if i could see your eyes

'Cause when you showed me myself, you know, i became someone else

But i was caught in between all you wish for and all you need

I pictured you fast asleep

A nightmare comes

You can't keep awake

May God's love be with you

Always...

May God's love be with you

If i find my own way

How much will i find

You...

I'll find you

I don't know anymore

What it's for

I'm not even sure

If there is anyone who is in the sun

Will you help me to understand

'Cause i been caught in between all I wish for and all I need

Maybe you're not even sure what it's for

Any more than me

May God's love be with you

Always...

May God's love be with you

Honestly, i'm not sure what this song means to me.

but i know it means a lot.

these lyrics are something powerful that i can't understand.

to want you...

in the words of Cheap Trick, with an entirely different meaning...

I want to want you...
I need to need you...
I'd love to love you...

but i don't know how.

you saw me crying.
you saw me feeling all alone without a friend, feeling like dying.

be my friend?
help me?
please.

i can't do it on my own.

i want to want you...
so much.

alive

why is it so hard?

You Move Me...

what you are about to read brought tears to my eyes.
to think that this is the way that God views me, is unbelievable.
i wish i could love him like he loves me.
i wish i could give him everything. 
i wish that i meant everything i said.
i pray that God will help me turn it around, to make my wishes become real.

Do you know how you’ve caught my eye, 

In the secret place, where you chose to die?

Do you know the way you move me?

Do you know the way you move me?

I've seen you there, longing to be mine.

I've heard the cry in the middle of the night.

I've seen you there reaching for understanding.

I've seen you there, longing to be mine.

I've heard you say “I will go anywhere and I will do anything.”

And “I will give everything just to be with you.”

I’ve heard your words.

I remember the vow of your youth.

I remember your “yes”.

I remember the very setting of your soul.

And do you know how you’ve caught my eye,

In the secret place where you chose to die?

Do you know the way you move me?

Do you know the way you move me?

You’ve ravished my heart!

You’re my favourite one, the only one.

When I look at you you’re the only one I see.

You’ve ravished me!

I would stop this entire room just to tell you that my eyes are on you, and that my heart is for you. 

And I would stop this whole wide world just to tell you you’re not alone, that you are never alone.

All this reaching and all this longing – It is not in vain!

Wisdom will be justified. 
Just hang on and don’t give up.

Don’t give in. 

If you don’t quit, you win!

Listen to me...

Do you know how you’ve caught my eye,  

In the secret place where you chose to die?

You are more beautiful than tears, more wonderful than jealous love.

You are awesome as an army with banners.

You only see your weakness, but I see strength. 

There are so many - a multitude - that will never look back, but you keep on looking even though you’re looking through a mirror dimly lit. 

You keep on looking even though there’s unbelief and doubt.

But listen, listen…

You keep on coming, and looking, and seeking, and knocking, and asking, and loving me!

That’s all I ask..

You don’t even know the strength that you possess. 

So many would have grown bitter a long time ago, but you keep on coming, staying pliable underneath my hand.

I understand there’s pressure, but you don’t give up and you don’t give in...

If you don’t quit you win!

Just don’t give up, don’t give in!

You are more than a conqueror.

You’re more than this. 

You are the one I want!

Is that enough for you? To know you are the one I want? 

If you never move a man, is it enough to know that you’ve moved me?

Am I enough for you?

Because you are more than enough for me.

You’re the one I want, am I enough for you? 

Is it enough for you just to know that you’ve moved me? 

And if you never move man is it enough for you to know that you’ve moved my heart?

You are not just a project.

You are not just a trophy to show people how merciful I am.

You’re the one I want!

You are the one I want, like a fire within me!

Is it enough just knowing that you move me? 

Forever and ever I want you to be with me, where I am.

And do you know, how you’ve caught my eye,  

In the secret place where you chose to die?

You are not just my project.

You are the one I want! 

There’s more than just pity.

You’re the one I want.

You’re the one I want! 

Of all of creation you are my favourite.

You are the only one.

So few look back, and even the ones who do so often lose their way.

But you, my dove, have set your heart to go all the way. 

I’ll take you there.

All the way. 

Did you really mean it when you said that you would go anywhere?

And did you really mean it when you said that you’d be mine forever? 

And did you really mean it when you vowed that you’d do anything?  

Just give me everything and I’ll give you everything.

I’ll give you everything.

I’ll give you everything.

I’ll give you everything.

I left them there to die.

why is it that i always relate to her songs?
we're both young, scared, boy crazy females i guess.

Back To December - Taylor Swift

I'm so glad you made time to see me.
How's life, tell me how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while.
You've been good, busier then ever.
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up and I know why.

Cause the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind.
You gave me roses and I left them there to die.

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night,
And I go back to December all the time.
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I go back to December all the time.

These days I haven't been sleeping
Staying up playing back myself leaving,
When your birthday passed and I didn't call.
And I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
Realized that I loved you in the fall.
Then the cold came, the dark days when fear crept into my mind.
You gave me all your love and all I gave you was goodbye.

So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night.
And I go back to December all the time.
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December turn around and change my own mind.
I go back to December all the time

I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, so good to me, so right,
And how you held me in your arms that September night,
The first time you ever saw me cry.
Maybe this is wishful thinking,
Probably mindless dreaming
If we loved again I swear I'd love you right.

I'd go back in time and change it but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand.

But this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying I'm sorry for that night,
And I go back to December.
Turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you,
Wishing that I realized what I had when you were mine.
I'd go back to December turn around and make it alright.
I'd go back to December turn around and change my own mind.
I go back to December all the time.

All the time

obviously my story is different, but i still feel her pain, and regret.
life is often so confusing. but i wont get into that now.

thoughts.

i was thinking today, about how i wish i could just speak my mind to people.
i wish i could say what i was thinking to them, even if i dont know them, am terrified of talking to them, or just scared to tell them how i feel.
so here are some things that i want to say, but never will.

you have an amazing smile. and i absolutely love locking eyes with you.
i'm sorry, but i am going to hurt you. it's what i'm good at. i really am sorry.
i love you, a lot. i hope we will be friends forever.
you are one of my best friends, and i'm so happy about it. i freaking love you. you make me smile sooo often.
i know you don't know who i am... i wish you did.
you make me laugh so hard! and i'm pretty sure you have no idea why i laugh.
i don't think you realize how much we've changed. we're different people now. get over it.


that's all for now. my thoughts have been expressed :)

exam time...

things i am currently feeling:
1. stressed
2. overwhelmed
3. nervous
4. tired
5. scared

i think i did it to myself though.
i procrastinate like none other.
i keep praying that God will give me the answers on the test.
is that fair?
i hope so, because i'm REALLY going to need those answers.

bad day.

today was a bad day.
i'm not gonna lie... it wasn't fun. at all.
the thing is, i'm not even sure why i was so unhappy.
i mean, it was a crazy busy day, having three classes and all.
but then, something incredible happened.
i went to the caf to get some snack, and i got a million and one hugs.
it's like everyone else's happiness was wearing off on me.
it turned out to be a wonderful day.
then i went to wednesday night worship, and praised our God.

mother's day advertisement.

i don't know if this story is true... but it hurt my heart.

it really makes me watch how i treat people... 

i don't want to hurt anyone the way that boy hurt his mother.

He Loves Me.

Today i realized something. God is real. He provides for me because He loves me so much.

I've been blind. Blind to how wonderful and caring He is. 

It's like i needed Him to hit me in the head with something huge, and when He did, i could see again.

I was looking through my facebook messages, and my outtatown leader, JMaeck, sent all the girls a message with this verse included. When i first got the message, i completely disregarded the bible verses, because i knew it wouldn't mean anything to me at the moment. i was stressed and not in the mood to look to God. When i opened it again today, i started reading... and i felt like God was just speaking to me through these verses. 

I can't hide from Him, no matter how badly i want to, and how hard i try. He's always there - loving me.

He loves me when i hide from him.

i don't think there's anything to say but that. 

He loves me when i hide from Him.

Psalm 139 The Message

1-6 God, investigate my life; get all the facts firsthand. 
I'm an open book to you; 
even from a distance, you know what I'm thinking. 
You know when I leave and when I get back; 
I'm never out of your sight. 
You know everything I'm going to say 
before I start the first sentence. 
I look behind me and you're there, 
then up ahead and you're there, too— 
your reassuring presence, coming and going. 
This is too much, too wonderful— 
I can't take it all in! 

7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit? 
to be out of your sight? 
If I climb to the sky, you're there! 
If I go underground, you're there! 
If I flew on morning's wings 
to the far western horizon, 
You'd find me in a minute— 
you're already there waiting! 
Then I said to myself, "Oh, he even sees me in the dark! 
At night I'm immersed in the light!" 
It's a fact: darkness isn't dark to you; 
night and day, darkness and light, they're all the same to you. 

13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; 
you formed me in my mother's womb. 
I thank you, High God—you're breathtaking! 
Body and soul, I am marvelously made! 
I worship in adoration—what a creation! 
You know me inside and out, 
you know every bone in my body; 
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, 
how I was sculpted from nothing into something. 
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth; 
all the stages of my life were spread out before you, 
The days of my life all prepared 
before I'd even lived one day. 

17-22 Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful! 
God, I'll never comprehend them! 
I couldn't even begin to count them— 
any more than I could count the sand of the sea. 
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you! 
And please, God, do away with wickedness for good! 
And you murderers—out of here!— 
all the men and women who belittle you, God, 
infatuated with cheap god-imitations. 
See how I hate those who hate you, God, 
see how I loathe all this godless arrogance; 
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred. 
Your enemies are my enemies! 

23-24 Investigate my life, O God, 
find out everything about me; 
Cross-examine and test me, 
get a clear picture of what I'm about; 
See for yourself whether I've done anything wrong— 
then guide me on the road to eternal life.

God's daughter.

This is a message from God, for His daughters.

'No man can ever claim you unless he claims you from me.
I reserved a man for you who has my heart and loves me even more than he will love you.
I wont give you away unless he asks for you from me. 
Soon you will know him.
I have the perfect timing.
You are my princess, my daughter.
Let no prince claim you unless he asks me for your hand, for I am your FATHER, the KING of KINGS
YOU, my PRINCESS, are worth loving.'

This is one girl's take on the verse Jeremiah 29:11, which states "For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope"

I really appreciated reading this, because I am a daughter of God, and sometimes it's hard to see what He truly wants for me. 
God wants me to hold off for the right guy. He wants me to find someone who loves Him more than he will love me. He wants me to find someone who will treat me right.

God loves me too much to let me be in the hands of someone who isn't right for me.  He is protecting me, because He wants the best for me. 

I don't know about you, but this makes me feel incredibly special.

remember...?

i love this feeling. i felt it today. 

it made me happy in my heart.

to whoever you are... you made my day.

and i don't even know your name.

 Go to google.com
2. Type in, “who’s the cutest?”
3. Click I’m feeling lucky.

now.

a rant.

I was talking to a friend yesterday, and he was doing a lot of the talking. he told me that it felt weird, because he rarely does all the talking, and i told him that it was really normal for me, because i'm often the one to sit and listen to other people's stories.

then today, i was sitting on a rock that was slightly in the lake. i started talking to God, and felt like i didn't have much to say. i realized that much like in my conversation yesterday, i wanted to be the one who listened. i didn't want God to listen to me ramble on. i wanted to hear what he's thinking, and what he wanted to talk about. but... since it doesn't really work that way, i decided to give it a try, and be the one to ramble. i talked about a lot of things that were on my mind. i asked a lot of questions, and didn't really come out with any answers, because God is quiet. he speaks in ways that are incredibly hard to figure out... and when i do figure them out, its usually quite far after i initially asked the question.

so i decided that i was okay with that. i'm okay with the way that God works. sometimes it's incredibly frustrating, and i just want to yell and scream, but i know that the answer i'm waiting for will be good. it will be the perfect answer for my life, because i know that God wants me to have the life i've always dreamed of. and i know that if i just wait for his answer, he will give me that life.

experience happiness.

dreams are trippy things. 

they try to make you believe something that is so incredibly not true, and you actually believe it. 

for those 5 minutes that the dream is wrapped up in your mind, you go back to the place that you wish you had been, and will be, forever. 

There's no homesickness, no sadness, no regret. 

just love.

for the place. 

for the people. or should i say person.

for everything about the dream. so why was this dream put in my head? 

to make me mad? 

to tempt me?

how can i be so happy in some imaginary world... and then wake up, and realize that it's not true. that the happiness that i was experiencing was all a lie?

can this be true in life too?

can you experience happiness as a lie?

i guess it's possible. i just hope that it never happens to me.

i want to experience happiness for what it really is... not the way i experienced my dream last night.

the dream that felt so incredibly real. and so wonderful.

that's the worst way to experience happiness if you ask me.

i give myself permission...

I give myself permission to rest.

I give myself permission to laugh.

I give myself permission to play

I give myself permission to make mistakes.

I give myself permission to say “no” to demands that are simply draining.

I give myself permission to say “yes” to what I want.

I give myself permission to fulfill my lifelong dreams.

I give myself permission to ask for what I want.

I give myself permission to be who I am.

I give myself permission to try again.

I give myself permission to have fun.

I give myself permission to design my own life.

I give myself permission to stay focused on what’s important to me.

I give myself permission to be whatever body shape I like.

I give myself permission to be imperfect.

I give myself permission to ask for help.

I give myself permission to stop caring what others think of me.

I give myself permission to create.

i am who i am today, because of the choices i made yesterday.

Today i realized something, and then i read this quote:
"i am who i am today, because of the choices i made yesterday",
and it completely sums up my thoughts.

i had a weird year. things happened that i didn't think would happen, and i changed because of it.
i think i'm a new person now.
i am definitely not the same girl that i was a year ago today.

going on the outtatown program completely changed me. not all of the changes were good, but i'm working through those.

i think God had a reason for sending me on outtatown.
i already had plans for my life, and God knew that i couldn't continue with those plans.
He knew that i could have a better life if i followed him through this year.
He knew that i would change after being on the program, and that my plans wouldn't follow through.

His plans overruled mine.

and now here i am... a changed girl... with no idea where i'm off to next.
taking one step at a time, keeping my life unplanned.
and i'm starting to love it. it's different. and really good.

today i met a boy...

he is wonderful.
his name is nelson, and he likes me for who i am.
he looks at me with wonder in his eyes, and joy in his heart.
i know that he will never look at another girl the way that he looks at me.
i think the best thing about him is the fact that he'll never give up on me.


here he is.