Mine

i fell in love with this song today.


You were in college, working part-time, waiting tables
Left a small town and never looked back
I was a flight risk, afraid of fallin'
Wondering why we bother with love, if it never lasts

I say, "Can you believe it?"
As we're lyin' on the couch
The moment, I can see it
Yes, yes, I can see it now

Do you remember, we were sittin' there, by the water?
You put your arm around me for the fist time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Flash forward, and we're takin' on the world together
And there's a drawer of my things at your place
You learn my secrets and figure out why I'm guarded
You say we'll never make my parents' mistakes

But we got bills to pay
We got nothin' figured out
When it was hard to take
Yes, yes

This is what I thought about:

Do you remember, we were sittin' there, by the water?
You put your arm around me for the fist time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Do you remember all the city lights on the water?
You saw me start to believe for the first time
You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Oh, oh, oh, oh

And I remember that fight, two-thirty AM
You said everything was slipping right out of our hands
I ran out, crying, and you followed me out into the street

Braced myself for the goodbye, cause that's all I've ever known
Then, you took me by surprise
You said, "I'll never leave you alone."

You said, "I remember how we felt, sitting by the water.
And every time I look at you, it's like the first time.
I fell in love with a careless man's careful daughter.
She is the best thing that's ever been mine."

You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter
You are the best thing that's ever been mine

Do you believe it?
We're gonna make it now
And I can see it

I can see it now

i think i like it because it describes a relationship that i want to be in one day. not that i'm feeling sorry for myself for not being in a relationship. i actually love it. being single feels really good. but... one day i'll find that guy that will make me feel like that. that makes me excited. :)

dreams.

i was driving home from camping with my family today, with my sister. we hadn't talked in a long time, and it was great to catch up with her. i feel like we can tell each other everything. every hope, and every dream. things that i can't really talk about with many other people.

as we were talking, it made me realize how many dreams i really have. i kept naming them.
one after another.

and as i did this, i realized that not even half of these dreams will come true. i'm never going to have enough money to travel to all the places i want to travel to, or do all the things that i want to do. it's just not possible for all these things to happen.

but kelsey said to me "so make them happen. the ones that mean the most to you, make them happen."

and i think i will.

big sisters are the best.

if love is a place...

if love is a place, i think it would be right here...

i want to be there. right now. and forever.

eat pray love.

i went to see "eat pray love" yesterday, and it really made me think about my own life. 

(if you want to see this movie and don't want to know anything about it... don't read this.)

In this movie, Liz, the main character, leaves her home in new york for a year. She travels around the world to figure out who she really is, and what she really wants in life.

i want to do this.

i always thought that i could never go out and travel by myself, and as i was watching this movie, i was thinking to myself, "i definitely want to do this one day. but not by myself. i could never travel by myself. i'd wait until i'm married, and then travel the world with my husband!"

but i feel like that kind of defeats the point of the whole "find yourself" thing.

so as of right now i don't have an answer for myself. i want to travel and learn how to be a person on my own, without any distractions. but i still don't think i could travel by myself.

at the same time... the chances of this happening, me going and travelling, by myself or with my husband, seem kind of slim.

so those are my thoughts. ha. really random and lame. and with no conclusion. there you go.

let the wrong ones go.

sometimes its incredibly hard to do. but it has to be done. 
one day it will pay off.
hopefully one day soon.
it's hard to wait.

I made pancakes

 for breakfast this morning. and they were delicious.

homesickness.

today has been boring. sitting at home watching tv and movies, trying to forget about the pain, and the fact that i can't eat. but that has nothing to do with what i'm gonna say.


i started watching "garden state". i love everything about this movie. well, almost everything... it's real, and just amazing.


i remembed the first time i watched this movie. i was watching it with my sister, and when this scene came on:




i laughed so hard. my sister had to pause the movie. and then we watched it about 3 more times, and laughed just as hard again. 


i love this movie.


as i was watching it again tonight, there was one part in the movie that kind of hit me. largeman and sam are in the pool, talking about feeling at home at your house. here's how it goes:


Largeman: You know that point in your life when you realize the house you grew up in isn't really your home anymore? All of a sudden even though you have some place where you put your shit, that idea of home is gone. 
Sam: still feel at home in my house. 
Largeman: You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is. A group of people that miss the same imaginary place. 


this kind of made me think about my own life. when i got back from guatemala, i felt homesick for this place, this place that wasn't my home. i felt homesick for people that i didnt get to see anymore. what i think homesickness is, is feeling withdrawal from something amazing. i guess that doesnt have much to do with that quote, but it just made me think.


the end.

Recent Obsessions

  

Metric. i listen to them ALL the time.

and when i'm not listening to metric... i'm listening to Keane.

Running with my purple gel Asics. i loooove them :)

THIS book...! 

and... the boy who plays robbie in the movie. yum.

this nail polish.

my incredibly comfy purple v-neck from American Apparel.

i think it makes me look fat. but i dont care. its the comfiest shirt i own.

Taziki sauce. i use it on EVERYTHING. it's delicious.

Step Up 1&2. i love dance movies! i want to go see the 3rd one right NOW.

laughing. i absolutely love it.

and... blogging. as you've noticed, if you're reading this, i've been posting like multiple times daily. maybe i should take a break...

...

its 2 a.m. and i am no where close to sleeping.
my mind wont shut off.
i'm concentrating with everything i am to erase you.


i will erase you from my life
if you don't want to be in it, well... you wont be.
you're welcome.

10 - 9 - 8 - 7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1

I know i've already posted twice today already... but i was bored. so here you go. enjoy.

10 things you wish you could say to 10 different people:

♥ I hate that you don’t talk to me, even though I don’t really want you to.

♥ I know you have your own life. but I miss you.

♥ Sometimes I feel like you mean more to me that I do to you.

♥ I think I mean more to you than you do to me…

♥ I know I make fun of you all the time, but if something happened to you, I would just die.

♥ I wish I could be more open with you. i love talking to you.

♥ I want so badly to help you, but I don’t know how.
♥ I don't understand you, and I guess I no longer have to.

♥ I would date you, but you don’t fit my standards.

♥ So, you’re no longer awkward about anything! I kind of like it… and yet, its kind of weird.

9 things about yourself:

♥ I hate painting my nails, but I like having them painted.

♥ I got a new bra that makes my tiny boobs look bigger. I tend to look at them more now.

♥ I only paint when I have something on my mind that I can’t express.

♥ I tell people I suck at guitar. And its completely true. You’ve never heard me play!! I do suck.

♥ It feels freeing to be single. But I hate it.

♥ I never thought I would be afraid to fall in love. But it’s actually a huge fear of mine.

♥ I wish I liked my body.

♥ I think I have the prettiest eyes ever.

♥ I hate peeing 12 times a day. But I like to be healthy and drink lots of water.

8 ways to win your heart:

♥ Make me laugh. I love laughing..

♥ Pray with me.

♥ Take me somewhere that you’ve never taken anyone else.

♥ Kiss me when I’m not expecting it.

♥ Be honest with me.

♥ Believe me when I say I want you and not him.

♥ Brag to your friends about me.

♥ Don’t be stupid.

7 things that cross your mind often:

♥ Boys…

♥ School.

♥ My friends.

♥ My future.

♥ Conversations that haven’t, and wont take place.

♥ My family.

♥ Money.

6 things you do before you go to sleep:

♥ Brush my teeth.

♥ Pray

♥ Get in bed.

♥ Stare at my laptop screen.

♥ Close my laptop.

♥ Turn out the lights.

5 people you couldn't live without:

♥ My parents.

♥ My sisters.

♥ My best friends.

That’s already more than five.

4 things you're wearing right now:

♥ underwear

♥ blue tank top

♥ glasses

♥ green toe nail polish

3 songs that fit your life perfectly:

♥ Diamond – Amanda falk

♥ Let it all out – Relient k

♥ Find your heart – Drake

2 things you want to do before you die:

♥ Travel the world

♥ Get married

1 confession:

♥ I wish I had it all together, that what I said and wrote would actually be a reflection of who I am. But really, I’m completely lost, just like so many other people.

[untitled]

i think i may have forgotten to wash the conditioner out of my hair today.

i feel gross.

he laughed at me.

i was running today, and decided that me and God hadn't had a real chat in a while. 
i told him, "God, you're really intimidating."
i think he laughed at me.
then he reminded me that he loves me. he loves me like a child.
he reminded me that he made the whole universe, but he also made me.
he made me and he loves me.


so then i said to him, "God, what can i do for you?"
and he started listing off things that i could do, to please him, and to draw me closer to him.
i said, "wait, what? you want me to give up that?"
i told him that i wasn't sure i could.
i think he's giving me time.
but i know that he can give me the power to do his will.
he reminded me of that while i was running.
i asked him, "God, could i actually run like this without you?"
he said no.
he said that it was through his power that i had run that far without stopping, or getting tired.
he also took away my stomach cramp, and my knee pain so i could run farther. 


i told him that he was pretty freaking amazing.
i think he smiled.

friday the 13th.

there i am, making black bean soup, and i have too many tomatoes.

so i put the tomatoes into an ice cream pail, and tried to remember what day it was, so i could date it.

i remembered writing "12" on my time sheet yesterday, so i knew it had to be the 13th.

friday the 13th?

yep.

i'm not superstitious at all, but the last time we had a friday the 13th, i jumped off a bridge.

i couldnt help but think about that day, and smile. 

i jumped off a bridge and survived on friday the 13th.

i cried...

and cried some more.

and fell.

and fell some more...

and then fell even more. my thoughts at a complete stop. i am solely concentrated on when i will land.

when will i land?

now. i landed. its over.

finally coming back up.

and after the scariest 5 minutes of my life... its done. i did it.

when it was over, i realized that it was actually one of the best things that's ever happened to me. but only once it was over.

how often does that happen in life?

we go through something scary, or hard, and while we're going through it, its the worst thing it the world. we can't wait for it to be over. 

and then when it is over, we realize that it was the best thing that's ever happened.

we smile at our success.

and then we try to never go through it again, even though we know how happy it makes us in the end.

but then something else comes along...

i want more than anything...

2003 
Dear God,
i pray that i will try to listen what you are trying to say to me and that i will be a good person to other people, and love them. amen.


Dear God, 
i thank you that a man from our church went through a good surury, and that he is walking good! and i prey that i will think before i do stupid things, like walk in the middle of the road. and i prey that weeding wont be too bad tomorrow, and that i'll have a good sleep. amen.


Dear God, 
i thank-you so much that i can have such a loving family, that is just always there for me, and that we are all christians. i jsut pray that you will give us a great christmas holiday! i thank you that rachel could have such an impact on everyone reading her book. it has a great impact on me, i just pray that i will keep following you all the time, and that i will remember that earthly possesions are not nearly as big as your love is, and i want to thank you for that! amen.


2004
God, 
i thank you so much for dying on the cross for all of us, you are so amazing! on easter we all got chocolate, but we didnt really deserve it, because we were the ones getting saved, you deserve it all!
your daughter, courtney.


father, 
i want to thank you so much for making me me! you're so amazing! amen.


dear father, i pray you will help me not to be tempted by the devil, and that if i am, i wont do what he wants. and i pray you will be with me that whole time if im temped, so i can think of you. please help me ave a good night sleep. amen.

it seems like it was so easy back then.

back when there was no other option but to believe and have faith in God.

being an adult sucks.

i wish i could pray like i did back in the day.

i wish i could have patience for God.

my prayers these days go a little like this :

God, i'm sorry, but you're a difficult dude to deal with. i want to wait for your perfect timing, but i'm sick of waiting. why do you let me do what i do? i'm sorry, that's not fair. i know that i do things because its exactly what I want in the moment, knowing that it wasnt exactly what you wanted me to do. i completely try to jusitfy those things because of what i really wanted, and i got what i wanted at the time. so i should really be okay with my decision. yeah i'll be okay with it.

its hard though.

really hard.

so God... please help me to regain my childlike faith. that's it. nothing more, nothing less.

i've come to a conclusion.

here it is.


I'm TIRED of feeling sorry for myself!!


i decided that i need to take life head on, and remember the past for the good things.
i need to remember what happiness really feels like.
to smile because i'm HAPPY.
for my dimples to be the main attraction of my face, and not to care.


genuine happiness is what i want.
nothing less.

definitely look retarded here. but i'm happy. 
and when i'm happy, it doesnt matter what i look like.

my to do list.

To Do: 

sit in front of the tv. 

watch a chick flick.

feel sorry for myself.

sit around for hours thinking of how i could have done things differently.

how maybe, i wouldn't be sitting here right now if i wouldn't have been so stupid.

i hate how my mind works.

why do i have to over think everything? 

why can't i just be okay with my life, and how its turned out?

i don't feel sad. but i don't feel happy either. i feel numb. i'm trying to think of words to describe it, but i can't. i watch the movie to feel something other than my own feelings. to think something other than the thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head for what seems like forever.

i dreamt i was happy last night. everything was perfect. it felt so real. like my life was actually going somewhere. when i woke up i realized that my life was still a huge mess, and that no one could change that. not even me. 

i'm trying to look to God for love. because i know he can love me more than anyone else.

so maybe i am the only one who can change my life.

by allowing God to be in it.

i wish it was easy.

i hurt.

i'm in a complaining mood. so you don't have to read this if that set you off from it :)


all day i've been having this pain in my mouth. now this could be because my wisdom teeth are coming in, and they are starting to kill me. i'm not sure why they want to put me through so much agony right now. but they are.

now you see where that guy is pointing to? where it says (wisdom tooth)? yep. that's where it hurts.


there you go. my complaint for the day...


i want pills. :(

this is for you.

With evey move you make, and every choice you make, I love you more.

Do you know the way you move me?

You mean so much to me.

I see your love, I see your heart.

Don’t hide from me.


I see you.

I love you.

I am pleased with you.

this is a reminder for me daily, about how much God really loves me, and is really pleased with who i am today. i often think that God could never love who i am, because i keep screwing everything up so badly. but then i remember, he made me. and i am good. i am very good.

jesus told me himself.