my to do list.

To Do: 

sit in front of the tv. 

watch a chick flick.

feel sorry for myself.

sit around for hours thinking of how i could have done things differently.

how maybe, i wouldn't be sitting here right now if i wouldn't have been so stupid.

i hate how my mind works.

why do i have to over think everything? 

why can't i just be okay with my life, and how its turned out?

i don't feel sad. but i don't feel happy either. i feel numb. i'm trying to think of words to describe it, but i can't. i watch the movie to feel something other than my own feelings. to think something other than the thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head for what seems like forever.

i dreamt i was happy last night. everything was perfect. it felt so real. like my life was actually going somewhere. when i woke up i realized that my life was still a huge mess, and that no one could change that. not even me. 

i'm trying to look to God for love. because i know he can love me more than anyone else.

so maybe i am the only one who can change my life.

by allowing God to be in it.

i wish it was easy.